“No one has me like you do..”

“I have never loved this big..”

Words I will never forget. Words spoken by my husband Aaron, part of his vows the day we promised each other forever. A sunny day in February on the beach of St. Petersburg… that is when our journey started.

It is one thing to explain to your partner that you may not be able to have children in the future.It is another to live it. It was a conversation had very early on for us. I was told at just 15 that it may be a problem for me.. I thought nothing of it then and let it go. Years later and we are here… those words are so much more powerful to me now. They sting; they bring me to a very low place at times. Although I am not on this path alone.. I feel I am. I feel like the world is against me, that I did something wrong, or that it is all my fault.

I cry sometimes before even getting out of bed, and then… and then just like that Aaron comes over and gives me a kiss (two actually.) And my world isn’t crashing as fast, my pain is lessened and he brings me back to where I belong. Next to him, next to our dogs, pig & cat. Next to my “as of now” family. They are my home and they are enough.

Infertility is always thought to be hard for the woman, which it is.. trust me, everyday is hard. But no one ever realizes how hard it is for the husband. Aaron was given such a gift, his love for me seems endless and his compassion for family is so strong. His patience is something everyone should envy..  Aaron didn’t ask for this. He has always wanted to be a dad. He didn’t ask to spend hours in a waiting room full of pregnant uncomfortable females and their crying children. He didn’t ask for the heartache or hurt; the wonder if he will ever be able to coach t-ball, throw a football with his son or teach his little girl how to tie her shoes. And he sure as hell didn’t ask for the fits of rage and uncontrollable tears during hormone treatments. But on that sunny day on the beach of St. Pete we promised each other forever. Promised to love wholeheartedly and have faith in God’s plan for us.

This may not be what we planned… but it is us. It is what is planned for us.

No one has me like you do, Aaron Grinder.

“I have never loved this big.”

All of it, always …

It’s always been all of nothing with me. There is no emotion I have gone through that wasn’t right on my face. Literally, I CANNOT HIDE IT. But I’ve tried.

For the last couple years I have tried my hardest to hide all these emotions, fears and doubts. I pretended to be “ok” with the fact that a treatment that cost us hundreds did not work. I pretended that my world didn’t crash when my pregnancy test read negative. I let it seem as though Aaron and I were just waiting for the right time when people asked at work, “When are you two having kids?” I smiled when I wanted to cry. I found myself falling into this hole where it was my normal to just be “ok.”

I wanted to be great, I wanted to glow, I wanted what seemed to be so easy for others to be easy for me.

“Take a vacation.”

” Just stop trying.”

“It will happen when you least expect it.”

All of those things that people say to you when they know what’s really going on.

I feel every emotion. Every emotion, every day. Every wave. All of it it, always.

Just now.

Just now..  from writing those emotions down, answering those questions I get daily with the truth and accepting those waves emotions do I feel like I am great. I feel like I’m not just “ok.” I am glowing, by the grace of God I am so great.

It’s always all or nothing.. I am going to dive right into being “more than ok.”

 

 

post

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑