We were ready for you, we were set.
I was ready for you.
Now that “ready” I thought we were is sitting in the corner of my room.
At first it was all put together – a pillow, stuffed animals (that quickly became dog toys) and a quilt that Aaron’s mom had made.
I thought that if it was full of all these meaningful things maybe, just maybe it would mean a little bit more.
Now it collects items from a recent move, old picture frames and clothes that no longer fit me. That’s the other daily reminder in all of this, my body is no longer mine; I handed it over years ago to hormone treatments, sonograms and needles.
But it was all worth it to me, you were at the end of this road we were on.
I remember sitting in the waiting room with Aaron last November, thinking this would be that Christmas for us, you know – THAT CHRISTMAS! Where we buy our parents cheesy t-shirts and have our phones out the entire time, making sure we get their reactions, so when we share the video on social media weeks later when we were in the “safe zone” it would all be perfect.
When in this process is there a “safe zone” anyway?!
It turned out not being THAT CHRISTMAS for us and we were ok with that, we had plans for you.
We were going to open our home- welcome a baby someone else had carried, but couldn’t love.
That turned out not being our thing either.
I kept praying to God – bargaining and wagering.
“God if you just give us a child, I promise to …..”
“If you let this home study work out, I will ….”
You get the point, but He’s not like that.
God is a full circle God.
“Never let the presence of a storm cause you to doubt the presence of God.”
Although this storm of infertility hurts, I would never be where I am with Him if it wasn’t for this. The nights I spent praying and taking bets with Him led me to this great relationship now – full of understanding, hurt, trust and love.
I would have never prayed so hard. I would have never felt so much healing with your presence. I would have never had the courage to walk past that empty crib everyday if it wasn’t for you.
We are ready for,
just like God was ready for me.