“You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”
I find myself always looking… always looking for a project, a puppy, (that’s not a joke) someone who might need my help or even a sign. Just something to reassure me that I am doing the right thing. That all the decisions I have made the past couple months are the right ones for not only me, but my family.
The night Aaron’s sweet grandmother passed away, I was mopping and cleaning up at work and found pennies on the floor. There you have it, it was a sign. Not much longer and we got a call that she had returned home to be with her daughter and God. I looked at the pennies and one had the year Aaron was born on it… there you have it, another sign. A sign that it was all ok and that Aaron was going to be ok.
These are things that I look for daily.
Once in a while one comes along that really get me. Really speak to me, gets my brain just spinning in all sorts of directions. This just happened to be one of them: “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved”
This is it, this a good one. I was “given” this struggle to be able to move past it. I have this label of being infertile so I can take it and twist it, make it my own. I am certainly not just infertile; I am blessed with a different eye on things. I wanted to cry when a friend announced that she was pregnant on social media, but I do not anymore. I wanted to yell at parents who don’t respond right away when their child cries their name (MOM) reaching up with their little arms and little fingers. I would have loved to be in those shoes; having a child reaching for me, even if it just for something small. But I do not anymore. I wanted to go to every specialist in my area, every doctor, every clinic .. figure out what it was going to take for me to have a child of my own. But I do not anymore. I am happy, genuinely happy.
This is me, this is what it is right now. One day God is going to place a child in our path and it going to be the greatest day of our lives. It may be our own, it may not be our own, it may be for a short time.. it may just be a foster child. But it is going to happen one day.
It has taken me a long time to get to this point. And I am at this point right now because today, I feel strong. There are days that I won’t feel this way and that’s ok. There are women out there who have been to so many more appointments than me, so many more years of trying. I am sure they have felt just as I did the day I put my hands up and said, “It’s all over.”
It was cold out, my eyes were full of tears.. I was in my jeep and just said it out loud. “It’s all over.” And from that moment on I have been working on me. This has entailed of me going to the gym, joining classes where I know no one. Taking trips to the book store alone just to get some air. Writing a lot more, and praying. This whole process has brought me closer to my true strong self and to God. There it is, the sign. It is not really “all over” it has just begun.
The mountain was put in front of me so I could move it and be moved, to right where I need to be.