“I have never loved this big..”
Words I will never forget. Words spoken by my husband Aaron, part of his vows the day we promised each other forever. A sunny day in February on the beach of St. Petersburg… that is when our journey started.
It is one thing to explain to your partner that you may not be able to have children in the future.It is another to live it. It was a conversation had very early on for us. I was told at just 15 that it may be a problem for me.. I thought nothing of it then and let it go. Years later and we are here… those words are so much more powerful to me now. They sting; they bring me to a very low place at times. Although I am not on this path alone.. I feel I am. I feel like the world is against me, that I did something wrong, or that it is all my fault.
I cry sometimes before even getting out of bed, and then… and then just like that Aaron comes over and gives me a kiss (two actually.) And my world isn’t crashing as fast, my pain is lessened and he brings me back to where I belong. Next to him, next to our dogs, pig & cat. Next to my “as of now” family. They are my home and they are enough.
Infertility is always thought to be hard for the woman, which it is.. trust me, everyday is hard. But no one ever realizes how hard it is for the husband. Aaron was given such a gift, his love for me seems endless and his compassion for family is so strong. His patience is something everyone should envy.. Aaron didn’t ask for this. He has always wanted to be a dad. He didn’t ask to spend hours in a waiting room full of pregnant uncomfortable females and their crying children. He didn’t ask for the heartache or hurt; the wonder if he will ever be able to coach t-ball, throw a football with his son or teach his little girl how to tie her shoes. And he sure as hell didn’t ask for the fits of rage and uncontrollable tears during hormone treatments. But on that sunny day on the beach of St. Pete we promised each other forever. Promised to love wholeheartedly and have faith in God’s plan for us.
This may not be what we planned… but it is us. It is what is planned for us.
No one has me like you do, Aaron Grinder.
“I have never loved this big.”